Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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