Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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