Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
