I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
