a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
