It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
