Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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