You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
