If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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