Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
