ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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