OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
