Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
