Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
