I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
