he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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