we have officially lost it.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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