he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
