I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
