My underwear smells like fireworks.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
