You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
