Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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