Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
