My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
