i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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