i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
