I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
