Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
