dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
