my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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