at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
operation harelip BJ is a go
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
