goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
