My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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