Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
