If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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