So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
MIDGETS
????
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
