I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
