I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
