It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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