I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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