Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
They should really pass out barf bags in church
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
