I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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