I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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