The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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