you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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