she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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