mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
