wrigley field is MILF paradise
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
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