I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
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