I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The beer is more important than you right now.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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